It's been awhile, a long, long while. Things have come and gone and I've paid little significance to alot of them and too much significance to more of them. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong, I reckon I am.
I've just been reading back on older posts and realised that somethings I've said in them were wrong, were delusional. I thought I loved him, I thought he made me right but as I look back now I realise just how wrong I was. He held me back and made me weak and it's only now that I realise that. It's only now that I have come to terms with what I became while I was with him, trapped under his thumb, always seeking approval. I have sworn to myself that I will never do such a thing again, I will never be afraid to be who I am or to stand up for myself. If anyone is going to love me then they are going to do it exactly as I am. I will not be controlled, I will not despise myself.
I have started looking really thoroughly at myself over the past few months, trying to figure out who I really am, where I'm going in life, what I wish to achieve. I've drawn to a halt though, I'm not really sure what I will be in years to come or where my life is going because I'm not really sure who I am now or where I'm going in the present. All I know is what I'm not and who I don't want to be and where I don't want to go...I suppose in a way that's something.
There's so much of me that wants to be a kid again. I often wonder if I'm the only one who thinks like that. I just want it to be easy...
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
8.6.10
So much has changed in between the time I wrote last. I guess I haven't been so consistent with my writing but there has just been so much spiraling around in my head over these past few months, actually these past two years actually when I think about it properly.
The 31st of May '10 was the worst day of my life. My Dad passed away after a very long fight against cancer, his second time to have it in 2 years. My Dad was such a strong man, the man of the house, the perfect husband and the ideal father. He loved us all dearly and we loved him back very much. My Dad died at home, in his bed, peacefully with all his family around him. I ran out of the room crying, not even crying, roaring, sobbing, wailing. Yeah, wailing I think is the right word. My whole world had fallen apart and the only man who had ever loved me for me was now gone.
As sad as that day was it and the days previous and after showed me what a great family we have behind us and also what great friends I have, even the ones that don't live near me. It's amazing what a small text, email or phone call can do from the ones who couldn't be here and even more amazing what a nod if the head or a hug can do from the ones who were here. I cherish the people I have in my life and Know now who my real friends are, when the shit hit the fan, they were the ones forcing their way through, whether I wanted them to or not. They knew I needed them even when I didn't or couldn't say.
Yesterday was Sunday. My Dad was big into fishing and got myself, my sister and my Mam involved in it throughout the years. My uncle is also big into the fishing as well and yesterday my uncle organised a day's fishing in my Dad's honour and Din, my uncle, fished in my Dad's favourite spot. It was lovely and so calming, my sister, Mam and myself went down with the intention of not staying too long but we looked and we'd spent 7 hours on the bank. It brought back memories from my childhood and it was so good to see all the family get involved, whether they could fish or not. We're going to do this every year on the June bank holiday weekend.
My Dad would have been 52 this Sunday, the 13th of June. That day is going to be hard but we'll hopefully get each other through it. My birthday is also next week and that's going to be equally as hard. It's going to be hard to know he wont be here to celebrate with me. My Dad died Monday and in the space of 2 weeks he hasn't been here for 2 things already, my exam results which I got on Wednesday, the day he was buried and now my 19th birthday, it's hard. Maybe it will get better, maybe.
I miss you and love you Dad.
You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he's gone,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he'd want;
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
The 31st of May '10 was the worst day of my life. My Dad passed away after a very long fight against cancer, his second time to have it in 2 years. My Dad was such a strong man, the man of the house, the perfect husband and the ideal father. He loved us all dearly and we loved him back very much. My Dad died at home, in his bed, peacefully with all his family around him. I ran out of the room crying, not even crying, roaring, sobbing, wailing. Yeah, wailing I think is the right word. My whole world had fallen apart and the only man who had ever loved me for me was now gone.
As sad as that day was it and the days previous and after showed me what a great family we have behind us and also what great friends I have, even the ones that don't live near me. It's amazing what a small text, email or phone call can do from the ones who couldn't be here and even more amazing what a nod if the head or a hug can do from the ones who were here. I cherish the people I have in my life and Know now who my real friends are, when the shit hit the fan, they were the ones forcing their way through, whether I wanted them to or not. They knew I needed them even when I didn't or couldn't say.
Yesterday was Sunday. My Dad was big into fishing and got myself, my sister and my Mam involved in it throughout the years. My uncle is also big into the fishing as well and yesterday my uncle organised a day's fishing in my Dad's honour and Din, my uncle, fished in my Dad's favourite spot. It was lovely and so calming, my sister, Mam and myself went down with the intention of not staying too long but we looked and we'd spent 7 hours on the bank. It brought back memories from my childhood and it was so good to see all the family get involved, whether they could fish or not. We're going to do this every year on the June bank holiday weekend.
My Dad would have been 52 this Sunday, the 13th of June. That day is going to be hard but we'll hopefully get each other through it. My birthday is also next week and that's going to be equally as hard. It's going to be hard to know he wont be here to celebrate with me. My Dad died Monday and in the space of 2 weeks he hasn't been here for 2 things already, my exam results which I got on Wednesday, the day he was buried and now my 19th birthday, it's hard. Maybe it will get better, maybe.
I miss you and love you Dad.
You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he's gone,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he'd want;
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Monday, May 3, 2010
4.5.10
Haven't wrote in awhile. Haven't really been that arsed. Haven't been that arsed with much at all lately. Not really that arsed still...
Funny, when someone tells you you've weeks to do something, you think that you have loads of time, that you'll get everything done and with plenty of time to spare. However, put weeks into the context of life left on earth and what do we then think? I suppose we think about what little time we've left to do things. We think about all the time we lost out on. All the things we shoulda done but always put off because we always thought there'd be time in the future. We think about how precious time and life is and the things that we could fit into those last few weeks, if it's even possible to.
Now's the time to wonder about how long these weeks really are. It's the time for preparation. It's the time to make final arrangements. It's time to decide on plots and coffins and music and readings. It's the time to buy the black clothes...
Funny, when someone tells you you've weeks to do something, you think that you have loads of time, that you'll get everything done and with plenty of time to spare. However, put weeks into the context of life left on earth and what do we then think? I suppose we think about what little time we've left to do things. We think about all the time we lost out on. All the things we shoulda done but always put off because we always thought there'd be time in the future. We think about how precious time and life is and the things that we could fit into those last few weeks, if it's even possible to.
Now's the time to wonder about how long these weeks really are. It's the time for preparation. It's the time to make final arrangements. It's time to decide on plots and coffins and music and readings. It's the time to buy the black clothes...
Monday, April 12, 2010
12.4.10
"Kill the lights.
These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women and cheap drinks.
It feels alright.
All these asphyxiated, self medicated,
Take the white pill, you'll feel alright."
Strange. It's been nearly a month since I wrote on this. A lot has happened, significant stuff, but stuff I just don't want to face or want to talk about. I guess I'm just trying to bury my head in the sand and escape my troubles. I'm trying to run away because I'm falling apart. Anything is better than this.
I was listening to the song I took that quote from today, one of my favourite songs yet I never particularly focused on the lyrics til lately. We are a strange society that are influenced by so many things except the ones that really matter. Look at us, we smoke to stay thin or to de-stress. Fast cars and fast women are all for the thrill and to get our adrenaline pumping and as for the cheap drinks, so we can get out of our mind drunk and forget that we even exist...
I've been worrying about myself lately. That sounds selfish I know but there's just so much going on with so many people that I'm starting to lose control, again. Everything's spiralling out of control and I just am trying to cling onto what was my life and my love but it's all gone, or going. I wonder about whether I'll go back to that meek little girl that I was, maybe I still am her, maybe I never got rid of her. I am spending my weekends now pumping all forms of alcohol into my system to just try to laugh and smile again, I know it' not the answer and I know it's wrong but I don't want to go on those pills again. I want to be normal and be like everyone else, those pills will make that impossible. I can't take the white pill, it wont make me feel alright.
These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women and cheap drinks.
It feels alright.
All these asphyxiated, self medicated,
Take the white pill, you'll feel alright."
Strange. It's been nearly a month since I wrote on this. A lot has happened, significant stuff, but stuff I just don't want to face or want to talk about. I guess I'm just trying to bury my head in the sand and escape my troubles. I'm trying to run away because I'm falling apart. Anything is better than this.
I was listening to the song I took that quote from today, one of my favourite songs yet I never particularly focused on the lyrics til lately. We are a strange society that are influenced by so many things except the ones that really matter. Look at us, we smoke to stay thin or to de-stress. Fast cars and fast women are all for the thrill and to get our adrenaline pumping and as for the cheap drinks, so we can get out of our mind drunk and forget that we even exist...
I've been worrying about myself lately. That sounds selfish I know but there's just so much going on with so many people that I'm starting to lose control, again. Everything's spiralling out of control and I just am trying to cling onto what was my life and my love but it's all gone, or going. I wonder about whether I'll go back to that meek little girl that I was, maybe I still am her, maybe I never got rid of her. I am spending my weekends now pumping all forms of alcohol into my system to just try to laugh and smile again, I know it' not the answer and I know it's wrong but I don't want to go on those pills again. I want to be normal and be like everyone else, those pills will make that impossible. I can't take the white pill, it wont make me feel alright.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
15.3.10
The birds are singing outside as it's 10 to 3 in the morning, despite the timeline on this post. I hate this time. I hate when I can hear the birds singing in the morning coz it means I'm up far too late and it will be a long time before I get to sleep.
Actually, I've come to the conclusion that I hate nigh time. I hate it so much lately because it's the time when I feel so lonesome and the time that I have to think about things, things I really don't want to think about. I hate the night, nothing is so unreassuring.
If you knew what really went on my head, you would be very scared. You wouldn't know what to do. How do I know that? Because, I, myself have no clue what to do. I've no idea how to help myself, so how can anyone else really help me?
I read your stuff, so thoughtful and emotional. You provoke my thoughts, make me think like I used to, make me look at the bigger, underlying picture. You inspire me. Maybe, just maybe, some day, i can be like you.
Actually, I've come to the conclusion that I hate nigh time. I hate it so much lately because it's the time when I feel so lonesome and the time that I have to think about things, things I really don't want to think about. I hate the night, nothing is so unreassuring.
If you knew what really went on my head, you would be very scared. You wouldn't know what to do. How do I know that? Because, I, myself have no clue what to do. I've no idea how to help myself, so how can anyone else really help me?
I read your stuff, so thoughtful and emotional. You provoke my thoughts, make me think like I used to, make me look at the bigger, underlying picture. You inspire me. Maybe, just maybe, some day, i can be like you.
Monday, March 8, 2010
8.3.10
God, it's been so long since I've wrote anything and of course I'm going to put it down to being too busy or too tired which is to a certain extent true but in retrospect, I just couldn't face up to the reality of everything that has gone on over the past few weeks.
Lots of things have changed. Everything with him was the same of always really, just fight after fight and more tears. He got onto me about anything and everything, even my weight and now i have a slight complex. The thing is though this weekend, intervarsity weekend we had the most wonderful time. He stayed with me and minded me and paid for everything. He held me close when we had time to ourselves, he kissed me tenderly and told me things, sweet things that he hasn't said in a very long time. We had one little tiff on the Sunday but it was just because we were both so tired and grumpy after the long weekend we had endured. We both said sorry and strangely enough he admitted he was wrong, that never happens. It felt like it used to be and I wonder now whether he has changed or not and then I also wonder if things did actually start to look up 4 us, would i be able to forget all the horrible things he's said to me in the past and just move on? I really don't know if I'm able to do that. I always say that there's no point in holding a grudge. I can forgive, but I can never forget. Maybe that's what will tear us down if we do happen to get on track.
I'm also very mixed up about a situation with another friend of mine. A friend I hold very dear and who I care about so much but haven't had much time to spend with him because of his psycho girlfriend. She hated me, even though she never met me and just wouldn't let him near me. They broke up recently and things happened with us, nothing major, nut they happened all the same. Then he proposed something to me on Saturday that took me aback. A 'no strings attached' situation. I've pondered the past couple of days about whether he was serious or not and if he was a I letting myself in for a world of hurt? This is a guy I have liked for quite some time, he says he likes me too but I can't help but wonder am I a rebound? He says I'm not but I really can't be sure. It's probably because that's all I think of myself as. I mean I could never be good enough to be anything else. I've a feeling I am going to get myself into a situation where I' going to get messed up very badly. I'm going to crash and burn.
Oh Lauren, think, just think!
Lots of things have changed. Everything with him was the same of always really, just fight after fight and more tears. He got onto me about anything and everything, even my weight and now i have a slight complex. The thing is though this weekend, intervarsity weekend we had the most wonderful time. He stayed with me and minded me and paid for everything. He held me close when we had time to ourselves, he kissed me tenderly and told me things, sweet things that he hasn't said in a very long time. We had one little tiff on the Sunday but it was just because we were both so tired and grumpy after the long weekend we had endured. We both said sorry and strangely enough he admitted he was wrong, that never happens. It felt like it used to be and I wonder now whether he has changed or not and then I also wonder if things did actually start to look up 4 us, would i be able to forget all the horrible things he's said to me in the past and just move on? I really don't know if I'm able to do that. I always say that there's no point in holding a grudge. I can forgive, but I can never forget. Maybe that's what will tear us down if we do happen to get on track.
I'm also very mixed up about a situation with another friend of mine. A friend I hold very dear and who I care about so much but haven't had much time to spend with him because of his psycho girlfriend. She hated me, even though she never met me and just wouldn't let him near me. They broke up recently and things happened with us, nothing major, nut they happened all the same. Then he proposed something to me on Saturday that took me aback. A 'no strings attached' situation. I've pondered the past couple of days about whether he was serious or not and if he was a I letting myself in for a world of hurt? This is a guy I have liked for quite some time, he says he likes me too but I can't help but wonder am I a rebound? He says I'm not but I really can't be sure. It's probably because that's all I think of myself as. I mean I could never be good enough to be anything else. I've a feeling I am going to get myself into a situation where I' going to get messed up very badly. I'm going to crash and burn.
Oh Lauren, think, just think!
Friday, February 19, 2010
20.2.10
Lonliness. It's a horrible feeling.
Talk to me please.
I want it all back, I want everyone back.
Talk to me please.
I want it all back, I want everyone back.
Friday, February 12, 2010
12.2.10
I'm on a recreation phase at the moment. A recreation of myself that is. I'm out to reinvent who I am and what I am. Belly button pierced again, new hair, new clothes, new style and I'm trying to have a new attitude, a new outlook. I get into a certain frame of mind that the world is against me, and yeah maybe it is sometimes but I'm going to try and disregard that and keep going.
I want to recreate myself but I'm wondering just how to do that when what I am is exactly what he loves and sometimes hates at the same time. I'm even wondering is reinventing myself what i really want. What good will it do? I'm still the same person at the end of the day and I've come to accept myself as who I am, I've even slightly grown on myself too. I think it's the thought of if I change, not too majorly, maybe the fighting will stop and maybe we'll be ok.
It's weird, I see him and my eyes light up and I walk as if I'm on air. My heart burns inside my chest and I know he's what I want. When we fight though, I feel like my whole world is falling apart and like I feel trapped and alone. The thing is though, I feel like that because he is my world. He is everything I want and love. I adore the ground he walks on. I know his face, his laugh, his eyes, the wrinkles around his eyes when he smiles. I know who he is and yet at the same time he perplexes me so much, so very much.
We fight because we love each other. We fight because we care too much and we worry and we don't want to let go. Don't Let Go. That's our motto and it's going to stay my motto, no matter what happens. I understand the fighting will never stop completely, everyone fights, it's healthy. I just want it to ease up a little. I really hope it does.
He told me last night that he's going to marry me, I believe him. It will happen eventually, far in the future. He is what I want. I know people will think I'm too young to know what I want but the thing is, love knows no age. He is what I want and I just hope in time that it will happen again, before we wonder what happened to us...
"Well the stars up in the sky
And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you trip up and the grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world
Is how much I like you."
Don't Let Go.
I want to recreate myself but I'm wondering just how to do that when what I am is exactly what he loves and sometimes hates at the same time. I'm even wondering is reinventing myself what i really want. What good will it do? I'm still the same person at the end of the day and I've come to accept myself as who I am, I've even slightly grown on myself too. I think it's the thought of if I change, not too majorly, maybe the fighting will stop and maybe we'll be ok.
It's weird, I see him and my eyes light up and I walk as if I'm on air. My heart burns inside my chest and I know he's what I want. When we fight though, I feel like my whole world is falling apart and like I feel trapped and alone. The thing is though, I feel like that because he is my world. He is everything I want and love. I adore the ground he walks on. I know his face, his laugh, his eyes, the wrinkles around his eyes when he smiles. I know who he is and yet at the same time he perplexes me so much, so very much.
We fight because we love each other. We fight because we care too much and we worry and we don't want to let go. Don't Let Go. That's our motto and it's going to stay my motto, no matter what happens. I understand the fighting will never stop completely, everyone fights, it's healthy. I just want it to ease up a little. I really hope it does.
He told me last night that he's going to marry me, I believe him. It will happen eventually, far in the future. He is what I want. I know people will think I'm too young to know what I want but the thing is, love knows no age. He is what I want and I just hope in time that it will happen again, before we wonder what happened to us...
"Well the stars up in the sky
And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you trip up and the grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world
Is how much I like you."
Don't Let Go.
Friday, February 5, 2010
6.2.10
I was told that writing is a good outlet, that it would help me to expresss how i feel. I used to be good at it. I used to write all the time but that stopped and now i can't get back into it and i wonder why? I wonder why I just can't get out exactly how I feel and why now, of all times, it' so hard...
I guess I'm just too afraid to write. I'm too afraid to face the reality of my life and what it has become over the last year. I wont say that my life is hard because it's not bad but it's just not been easy this past while. I've been kicked to the ground and forced to get back up time and time again and there's times I've wondered what I've done to deserve all this, then I feel bad for even thinking that because I feel as if I'm pitying myself, and that's just not me.
The bombshell we were hit with about 3 months ago was that my Dad had cancer again, the second time in a year, except this time it's different. This time it's not going to go away. My Dad is eventually going to die, sooner or later, from cancer. It kills me! It kills me to see this once independent man forced to retire at 52 and to become so dependent on my Mam for something as simple as washing himself. It kills me to see him take so many tablets a day and to get injections day after day just to keep him comfortable. It terrifies me to see him looking so frail and to see that more of his hair has fallen out every weekend that i come home.
I have been thinking more and more about this lately, it's not something that you can just stop thinking about. My Dad may not be there to see me graduate from college, the first major milestone in my life. More than likely he wont be there to walk me up the aisle and to give his blessing to the man that i will eventually marry and worse again, he probably wont be there to see his grandchildren, to watch them grow up and to become good people...
Yesterday, we were at a funeral, a friend of the family's. He was a lovely man, as far as i could see he was always a very happy-go-lucky man but we were all wrong. He shot himself Monday night. The funeral was so sad, as is any funeral, but it really got to me. I sat in the church thinking that i hadn't been to a funeral since my Granddad's, almost 9 years ago and the thought hit me that I probably wouldn't be to another one until my Dad's...however long that may be. I felt horrible for thinking it and tried to get the thought out of my mind, but it haunted me for the whole night. It wasn't until later when I was having a heart to heart with my Mam that I told her my thoughts and she looked deep into my eyes and said;
"Laur, I thought the exact same.."
It's something I have to live with everyday and i try my best to continue my life as normal, as does my Mam, Dad and sister, because life has to go on I guess. The only thing is, I dread the day that I will get that call in Dublin telling me to come home, that it's time...
I guess I'm just too afraid to write. I'm too afraid to face the reality of my life and what it has become over the last year. I wont say that my life is hard because it's not bad but it's just not been easy this past while. I've been kicked to the ground and forced to get back up time and time again and there's times I've wondered what I've done to deserve all this, then I feel bad for even thinking that because I feel as if I'm pitying myself, and that's just not me.
The bombshell we were hit with about 3 months ago was that my Dad had cancer again, the second time in a year, except this time it's different. This time it's not going to go away. My Dad is eventually going to die, sooner or later, from cancer. It kills me! It kills me to see this once independent man forced to retire at 52 and to become so dependent on my Mam for something as simple as washing himself. It kills me to see him take so many tablets a day and to get injections day after day just to keep him comfortable. It terrifies me to see him looking so frail and to see that more of his hair has fallen out every weekend that i come home.
I have been thinking more and more about this lately, it's not something that you can just stop thinking about. My Dad may not be there to see me graduate from college, the first major milestone in my life. More than likely he wont be there to walk me up the aisle and to give his blessing to the man that i will eventually marry and worse again, he probably wont be there to see his grandchildren, to watch them grow up and to become good people...
Yesterday, we were at a funeral, a friend of the family's. He was a lovely man, as far as i could see he was always a very happy-go-lucky man but we were all wrong. He shot himself Monday night. The funeral was so sad, as is any funeral, but it really got to me. I sat in the church thinking that i hadn't been to a funeral since my Granddad's, almost 9 years ago and the thought hit me that I probably wouldn't be to another one until my Dad's...however long that may be. I felt horrible for thinking it and tried to get the thought out of my mind, but it haunted me for the whole night. It wasn't until later when I was having a heart to heart with my Mam that I told her my thoughts and she looked deep into my eyes and said;
"Laur, I thought the exact same.."
It's something I have to live with everyday and i try my best to continue my life as normal, as does my Mam, Dad and sister, because life has to go on I guess. The only thing is, I dread the day that I will get that call in Dublin telling me to come home, that it's time...
Monday, February 1, 2010
1.2.10
today, i lost him. i haven't had him properly for awhile but we were making due with what we could. today was different though. today, he gave up. i'm not what he wants anymore and for a long time beforehand i thought he wasn't what i wanted anymore. i guess in a way i was wrong. i wanted him, i still do to an extent but i just wanted some freedom too. not to go out and fool around but just that freedom to be myself and to do a little bit of what i wanted and of what would make me happy. i'm reading this over and i know that that just sounds so selfish to say but i'm not meaning to come across as selfish. i just can't take the constant expectation of being what he wanted and feeling like i failed when i wasn't up to scratch.
he gave up today though. he actually outright gave up. we're left with no hope now and seemingly no future. how do i continue on with my life in a normal fashion when he was the only one i had on a constant basis in Dublin? how do i go into college and pass him by and play softball with him knowing that we've lost each other as best friends, never mind as partners?
i miss him. i miss him so much and everything reminds me of him. i sleep in his jersey and i hug the two teddies he gave me as tight as i can at night. at least when i do that i feel some sort of connection still, i feel like he's still here, like i can hold him close. i miss falling asleep in his arms, feeling so safe and loved and i miss waking up to that gentle kiss on the forehead. now i go to sleep every night knowing that he isn't there to hold me close and that he wont be there in the morning to wake me with a kiss and a loving smile.
"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!
Why'd you have to wait? To find me, to find me."
he gave up today though. he actually outright gave up. we're left with no hope now and seemingly no future. how do i continue on with my life in a normal fashion when he was the only one i had on a constant basis in Dublin? how do i go into college and pass him by and play softball with him knowing that we've lost each other as best friends, never mind as partners?
i miss him. i miss him so much and everything reminds me of him. i sleep in his jersey and i hug the two teddies he gave me as tight as i can at night. at least when i do that i feel some sort of connection still, i feel like he's still here, like i can hold him close. i miss falling asleep in his arms, feeling so safe and loved and i miss waking up to that gentle kiss on the forehead. now i go to sleep every night knowing that he isn't there to hold me close and that he wont be there in the morning to wake me with a kiss and a loving smile.
"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!
Why'd you have to wait? To find me, to find me."
Saturday, January 30, 2010
i'm not even sure why i'm doing this. i'm not the type of person to broadcast my feelings on very public mediums like this but it's late and i really nedd to get some feelings out and i'm pretty sure the only one that's awake is the one that i don't wan to talk to...
now i'm at a loss as to what to say. i had so much buzzing around my head before this but now that i'm here and actually typing i don't know what to say. there's so much of me that wants to scream and shout and throw things around the room because of everything that's going on over this past year. there's so much of me that wants it all to go away and then more of me that wants it all to go back how it was.
more and more recently i've just been thinking about being a kid and how much easier it was, how we didn't understand things and in a way it made everything so much easier and we approached things with little fear and without wondering what might happen after. i miss being a kid. i miss that feeling when i was on a swing, nothing was better than when i was being pushed on a swing. the ecstasy and the excitement flowing through me as i was pushed higher and higher. i swear back then i touched the sky. i could do anything then and i wasn't afraid. i wasn't even afraid of falling off because i knew someone would be there to catch me or if not, to at least kiss it better and tell me it'd be ok, that one day i'd be able to do it.
well i eventually conquered that swing, with many bruises to show for my effort. i wonder now though, are things in life as easy as conquering that swing? at the time it didn't seem easy i guess but at least it seemed fun. i miss when problems were as easy and fun as that swing...
now i'm at a loss as to what to say. i had so much buzzing around my head before this but now that i'm here and actually typing i don't know what to say. there's so much of me that wants to scream and shout and throw things around the room because of everything that's going on over this past year. there's so much of me that wants it all to go away and then more of me that wants it all to go back how it was.
more and more recently i've just been thinking about being a kid and how much easier it was, how we didn't understand things and in a way it made everything so much easier and we approached things with little fear and without wondering what might happen after. i miss being a kid. i miss that feeling when i was on a swing, nothing was better than when i was being pushed on a swing. the ecstasy and the excitement flowing through me as i was pushed higher and higher. i swear back then i touched the sky. i could do anything then and i wasn't afraid. i wasn't even afraid of falling off because i knew someone would be there to catch me or if not, to at least kiss it better and tell me it'd be ok, that one day i'd be able to do it.
well i eventually conquered that swing, with many bruises to show for my effort. i wonder now though, are things in life as easy as conquering that swing? at the time it didn't seem easy i guess but at least it seemed fun. i miss when problems were as easy and fun as that swing...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
