8.3.10

God, it's been so long since I've wrote anything and of course I'm going to put it down to being too busy or too tired which is to a certain extent true but in retrospect, I just couldn't face up to the reality of everything that has gone on over the past few weeks.

Lots of things have changed. Everything with him was the same of always really, just fight after fight and more tears. He got onto me about anything and everything, even my weight and now i have a slight complex. The thing is though this weekend, intervarsity weekend we had the most wonderful time. He stayed with me and minded me and paid for everything. He held me close when we had time to ourselves, he kissed me tenderly and told me things, sweet things that he hasn't said in a very long time. We had one little tiff on the Sunday but it was just because we were both so tired and grumpy after the long weekend we had endured. We both said sorry and strangely enough he admitted he was wrong, that never happens. It felt like it used to be and I wonder now whether he has changed or not and then I also wonder if things did actually start to look up 4 us, would i be able to forget all the horrible things he's said to me in the past and just move on? I really don't know if I'm able to do that. I always say that there's no point in holding a grudge. I can forgive, but I can never forget. Maybe that's what will tear us down if we do happen to get on track.

I'm also very mixed up about a situation with another friend of mine. A friend I hold very dear and who I care about so much but haven't had much time to spend with him because of his psycho girlfriend. She hated me, even though she never met me and just wouldn't let him near me. They broke up recently and things happened with us, nothing major, nut they happened all the same. Then he proposed something to me on Saturday that took me aback. A 'no strings attached' situation. I've pondered the past couple of days about whether he was serious or not and if he was a I letting myself in for a world of hurt? This is a guy I have liked for quite some time, he says he likes me too but I can't help but wonder am I a rebound? He says I'm not but I really can't be sure. It's probably because that's all I think of myself as. I mean I could never be good enough to be anything else. I've a feeling I am going to get myself into a situation where I' going to get messed up very badly. I'm going to crash and burn.

Oh Lauren, think, just think!