12.2.10

I'm on a recreation phase at the moment. A recreation of myself that is. I'm out to reinvent who I am and what I am. Belly button pierced again, new hair, new clothes, new style and I'm trying to have a new attitude, a new outlook. I get into a certain frame of mind that the world is against me, and yeah maybe it is sometimes but I'm going to try and disregard that and keep going.

I want to recreate myself but I'm wondering just how to do that when what I am is exactly what he loves and sometimes hates at the same time. I'm even wondering is reinventing myself what i really want. What good will it do? I'm still the same person at the end of the day and I've come to accept myself as who I am, I've even slightly grown on myself too. I think it's the thought of if I change, not too majorly, maybe the fighting will stop and maybe we'll be ok.

It's weird, I see him and my eyes light up and I walk as if I'm on air. My heart burns inside my chest and I know he's what I want. When we fight though, I feel like my whole world is falling apart and like I feel trapped and alone. The thing is though, I feel like that because he is my world. He is everything I want and love. I adore the ground he walks on. I know his face, his laugh, his eyes, the wrinkles around his eyes when he smiles. I know who he is and yet at the same time he perplexes me so much, so very much.

We fight because we love each other. We fight because we care too much and we worry and we don't want to let go. Don't Let Go. That's our motto and it's going to stay my motto, no matter what happens. I understand the fighting will never stop completely, everyone fights, it's healthy. I just want it to ease up a little. I really hope it does.

He told me last night that he's going to marry me, I believe him. It will happen eventually, far in the future. He is what I want. I know people will think I'm too young to know what I want but the thing is, love knows no age. He is what I want and I just hope in time that it will happen again, before we wonder what happened to us...

"Well the stars up in the sky
And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you trip up and the grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world
Is how much I like you."


Don't Let Go.