1.2.10

today, i lost him. i haven't had him properly for awhile but we were making due with what we could. today was different though. today, he gave up. i'm not what he wants anymore and for a long time beforehand i thought he wasn't what i wanted anymore. i guess in a way i was wrong. i wanted him, i still do to an extent but i just wanted some freedom too. not to go out and fool around but just that freedom to be myself and to do a little bit of what i wanted and of what would make me happy. i'm reading this over and i know that that just sounds so selfish to say but i'm not meaning to come across as selfish. i just can't take the constant expectation of being what he wanted and feeling like i failed when i wasn't up to scratch.
he gave up today though. he actually outright gave up. we're left with no hope now and seemingly no future. how do i continue on with my life in a normal fashion when he was the only one i had on a constant basis in Dublin? how do i go into college and pass him by and play softball with him knowing that we've lost each other as best friends, never mind as partners?
i miss him. i miss him so much and everything reminds me of him. i sleep in his jersey and i hug the two teddies he gave me as tight as i can at night. at least when i do that i feel some sort of connection still, i feel like he's still here, like i can hold him close. i miss falling asleep in his arms, feeling so safe and loved and i miss waking up to that gentle kiss on the forehead. now i go to sleep every night knowing that he isn't there to hold me close and that he wont be there in the morning to wake me with a kiss and a loving smile.

"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!

Why'd you have to wait? To find me, to find me."