20.2.10

Lonliness. It's a horrible feeling.

Talk to me please.

I want it all back, I want everyone back.

12.2.10

I'm on a recreation phase at the moment. A recreation of myself that is. I'm out to reinvent who I am and what I am. Belly button pierced again, new hair, new clothes, new style and I'm trying to have a new attitude, a new outlook. I get into a certain frame of mind that the world is against me, and yeah maybe it is sometimes but I'm going to try and disregard that and keep going.

I want to recreate myself but I'm wondering just how to do that when what I am is exactly what he loves and sometimes hates at the same time. I'm even wondering is reinventing myself what i really want. What good will it do? I'm still the same person at the end of the day and I've come to accept myself as who I am, I've even slightly grown on myself too. I think it's the thought of if I change, not too majorly, maybe the fighting will stop and maybe we'll be ok.

It's weird, I see him and my eyes light up and I walk as if I'm on air. My heart burns inside my chest and I know he's what I want. When we fight though, I feel like my whole world is falling apart and like I feel trapped and alone. The thing is though, I feel like that because he is my world. He is everything I want and love. I adore the ground he walks on. I know his face, his laugh, his eyes, the wrinkles around his eyes when he smiles. I know who he is and yet at the same time he perplexes me so much, so very much.

We fight because we love each other. We fight because we care too much and we worry and we don't want to let go. Don't Let Go. That's our motto and it's going to stay my motto, no matter what happens. I understand the fighting will never stop completely, everyone fights, it's healthy. I just want it to ease up a little. I really hope it does.

He told me last night that he's going to marry me, I believe him. It will happen eventually, far in the future. He is what I want. I know people will think I'm too young to know what I want but the thing is, love knows no age. He is what I want and I just hope in time that it will happen again, before we wonder what happened to us...

"Well the stars up in the sky
And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you trip up and the grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world
Is how much I like you."


Don't Let Go.

6.2.10

I was told that writing is a good outlet, that it would help me to expresss how i feel. I used to be good at it. I used to write all the time but that stopped and now i can't get back into it and i wonder why? I wonder why I just can't get out exactly how I feel and why now, of all times, it' so hard...

I guess I'm just too afraid to write. I'm too afraid to face the reality of my life and what it has become over the last year. I wont say that my life is hard because it's not bad but it's just not been easy this past while. I've been kicked to the ground and forced to get back up time and time again and there's times I've wondered what I've done to deserve all this, then I feel bad for even thinking that because I feel as if I'm pitying myself, and that's just not me.

The bombshell we were hit with about 3 months ago was that my Dad had cancer again, the second time in a year, except this time it's different. This time it's not going to go away. My Dad is eventually going to die, sooner or later, from cancer. It kills me! It kills me to see this once independent man forced to retire at 52 and to become so dependent on my Mam for something as simple as washing himself. It kills me to see him take so many tablets a day and to get injections day after day just to keep him comfortable. It terrifies me to see him looking so frail and to see that more of his hair has fallen out every weekend that i come home.

I have been thinking more and more about this lately, it's not something that you can just stop thinking about. My Dad may not be there to see me graduate from college, the first major milestone in my life. More than likely he wont be there to walk me up the aisle and to give his blessing to the man that i will eventually marry and worse again, he probably wont be there to see his grandchildren, to watch them grow up and to become good people...

Yesterday, we were at a funeral, a friend of the family's. He was a lovely man, as far as i could see he was always a very happy-go-lucky man but we were all wrong. He shot himself Monday night. The funeral was so sad, as is any funeral, but it really got to me. I sat in the church thinking that i hadn't been to a funeral since my Granddad's, almost 9 years ago and the thought hit me that I probably wouldn't be to another one until my Dad's...however long that may be. I felt horrible for thinking it and tried to get the thought out of my mind, but it haunted me for the whole night. It wasn't until later when I was having a heart to heart with my Mam that I told her my thoughts and she looked deep into my eyes and said;
"Laur, I thought the exact same.."


It's something I have to live with everyday and i try my best to continue my life as normal, as does my Mam, Dad and sister, because life has to go on I guess. The only thing is, I dread the day that I will get that call in Dublin telling me to come home, that it's time...

1.2.10

today, i lost him. i haven't had him properly for awhile but we were making due with what we could. today was different though. today, he gave up. i'm not what he wants anymore and for a long time beforehand i thought he wasn't what i wanted anymore. i guess in a way i was wrong. i wanted him, i still do to an extent but i just wanted some freedom too. not to go out and fool around but just that freedom to be myself and to do a little bit of what i wanted and of what would make me happy. i'm reading this over and i know that that just sounds so selfish to say but i'm not meaning to come across as selfish. i just can't take the constant expectation of being what he wanted and feeling like i failed when i wasn't up to scratch.
he gave up today though. he actually outright gave up. we're left with no hope now and seemingly no future. how do i continue on with my life in a normal fashion when he was the only one i had on a constant basis in Dublin? how do i go into college and pass him by and play softball with him knowing that we've lost each other as best friends, never mind as partners?
i miss him. i miss him so much and everything reminds me of him. i sleep in his jersey and i hug the two teddies he gave me as tight as i can at night. at least when i do that i feel some sort of connection still, i feel like he's still here, like i can hold him close. i miss falling asleep in his arms, feeling so safe and loved and i miss waking up to that gentle kiss on the forehead. now i go to sleep every night knowing that he isn't there to hold me close and that he wont be there in the morning to wake me with a kiss and a loving smile.

"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!

Why'd you have to wait? To find me, to find me."