It's been awhile, a long, long while. Things have come and gone and I've paid little significance to alot of them and too much significance to more of them. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong, I reckon I am.
I've just been reading back on older posts and realised that somethings I've said in them were wrong, were delusional. I thought I loved him, I thought he made me right but as I look back now I realise just how wrong I was. He held me back and made me weak and it's only now that I realise that. It's only now that I have come to terms with what I became while I was with him, trapped under his thumb, always seeking approval. I have sworn to myself that I will never do such a thing again, I will never be afraid to be who I am or to stand up for myself. If anyone is going to love me then they are going to do it exactly as I am. I will not be controlled, I will not despise myself.
I have started looking really thoroughly at myself over the past few months, trying to figure out who I really am, where I'm going in life, what I wish to achieve. I've drawn to a halt though, I'm not really sure what I will be in years to come or where my life is going because I'm not really sure who I am now or where I'm going in the present. All I know is what I'm not and who I don't want to be and where I don't want to go...I suppose in a way that's something.
There's so much of me that wants to be a kid again. I often wonder if I'm the only one who thinks like that. I just want it to be easy...
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
8.6.10
So much has changed in between the time I wrote last. I guess I haven't been so consistent with my writing but there has just been so much spiraling around in my head over these past few months, actually these past two years actually when I think about it properly.
The 31st of May '10 was the worst day of my life. My Dad passed away after a very long fight against cancer, his second time to have it in 2 years. My Dad was such a strong man, the man of the house, the perfect husband and the ideal father. He loved us all dearly and we loved him back very much. My Dad died at home, in his bed, peacefully with all his family around him. I ran out of the room crying, not even crying, roaring, sobbing, wailing. Yeah, wailing I think is the right word. My whole world had fallen apart and the only man who had ever loved me for me was now gone.
As sad as that day was it and the days previous and after showed me what a great family we have behind us and also what great friends I have, even the ones that don't live near me. It's amazing what a small text, email or phone call can do from the ones who couldn't be here and even more amazing what a nod if the head or a hug can do from the ones who were here. I cherish the people I have in my life and Know now who my real friends are, when the shit hit the fan, they were the ones forcing their way through, whether I wanted them to or not. They knew I needed them even when I didn't or couldn't say.
Yesterday was Sunday. My Dad was big into fishing and got myself, my sister and my Mam involved in it throughout the years. My uncle is also big into the fishing as well and yesterday my uncle organised a day's fishing in my Dad's honour and Din, my uncle, fished in my Dad's favourite spot. It was lovely and so calming, my sister, Mam and myself went down with the intention of not staying too long but we looked and we'd spent 7 hours on the bank. It brought back memories from my childhood and it was so good to see all the family get involved, whether they could fish or not. We're going to do this every year on the June bank holiday weekend.
My Dad would have been 52 this Sunday, the 13th of June. That day is going to be hard but we'll hopefully get each other through it. My birthday is also next week and that's going to be equally as hard. It's going to be hard to know he wont be here to celebrate with me. My Dad died Monday and in the space of 2 weeks he hasn't been here for 2 things already, my exam results which I got on Wednesday, the day he was buried and now my 19th birthday, it's hard. Maybe it will get better, maybe.
I miss you and love you Dad.
You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he's gone,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he'd want;
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
The 31st of May '10 was the worst day of my life. My Dad passed away after a very long fight against cancer, his second time to have it in 2 years. My Dad was such a strong man, the man of the house, the perfect husband and the ideal father. He loved us all dearly and we loved him back very much. My Dad died at home, in his bed, peacefully with all his family around him. I ran out of the room crying, not even crying, roaring, sobbing, wailing. Yeah, wailing I think is the right word. My whole world had fallen apart and the only man who had ever loved me for me was now gone.
As sad as that day was it and the days previous and after showed me what a great family we have behind us and also what great friends I have, even the ones that don't live near me. It's amazing what a small text, email or phone call can do from the ones who couldn't be here and even more amazing what a nod if the head or a hug can do from the ones who were here. I cherish the people I have in my life and Know now who my real friends are, when the shit hit the fan, they were the ones forcing their way through, whether I wanted them to or not. They knew I needed them even when I didn't or couldn't say.
Yesterday was Sunday. My Dad was big into fishing and got myself, my sister and my Mam involved in it throughout the years. My uncle is also big into the fishing as well and yesterday my uncle organised a day's fishing in my Dad's honour and Din, my uncle, fished in my Dad's favourite spot. It was lovely and so calming, my sister, Mam and myself went down with the intention of not staying too long but we looked and we'd spent 7 hours on the bank. It brought back memories from my childhood and it was so good to see all the family get involved, whether they could fish or not. We're going to do this every year on the June bank holiday weekend.
My Dad would have been 52 this Sunday, the 13th of June. That day is going to be hard but we'll hopefully get each other through it. My birthday is also next week and that's going to be equally as hard. It's going to be hard to know he wont be here to celebrate with me. My Dad died Monday and in the space of 2 weeks he hasn't been here for 2 things already, my exam results which I got on Wednesday, the day he was buried and now my 19th birthday, it's hard. Maybe it will get better, maybe.
I miss you and love you Dad.
You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he's gone,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he'd want;
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Monday, May 3, 2010
4.5.10
Haven't wrote in awhile. Haven't really been that arsed. Haven't been that arsed with much at all lately. Not really that arsed still...
Funny, when someone tells you you've weeks to do something, you think that you have loads of time, that you'll get everything done and with plenty of time to spare. However, put weeks into the context of life left on earth and what do we then think? I suppose we think about what little time we've left to do things. We think about all the time we lost out on. All the things we shoulda done but always put off because we always thought there'd be time in the future. We think about how precious time and life is and the things that we could fit into those last few weeks, if it's even possible to.
Now's the time to wonder about how long these weeks really are. It's the time for preparation. It's the time to make final arrangements. It's time to decide on plots and coffins and music and readings. It's the time to buy the black clothes...
Funny, when someone tells you you've weeks to do something, you think that you have loads of time, that you'll get everything done and with plenty of time to spare. However, put weeks into the context of life left on earth and what do we then think? I suppose we think about what little time we've left to do things. We think about all the time we lost out on. All the things we shoulda done but always put off because we always thought there'd be time in the future. We think about how precious time and life is and the things that we could fit into those last few weeks, if it's even possible to.
Now's the time to wonder about how long these weeks really are. It's the time for preparation. It's the time to make final arrangements. It's time to decide on plots and coffins and music and readings. It's the time to buy the black clothes...
Monday, April 12, 2010
12.4.10
"Kill the lights.
These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women and cheap drinks.
It feels alright.
All these asphyxiated, self medicated,
Take the white pill, you'll feel alright."
Strange. It's been nearly a month since I wrote on this. A lot has happened, significant stuff, but stuff I just don't want to face or want to talk about. I guess I'm just trying to bury my head in the sand and escape my troubles. I'm trying to run away because I'm falling apart. Anything is better than this.
I was listening to the song I took that quote from today, one of my favourite songs yet I never particularly focused on the lyrics til lately. We are a strange society that are influenced by so many things except the ones that really matter. Look at us, we smoke to stay thin or to de-stress. Fast cars and fast women are all for the thrill and to get our adrenaline pumping and as for the cheap drinks, so we can get out of our mind drunk and forget that we even exist...
I've been worrying about myself lately. That sounds selfish I know but there's just so much going on with so many people that I'm starting to lose control, again. Everything's spiralling out of control and I just am trying to cling onto what was my life and my love but it's all gone, or going. I wonder about whether I'll go back to that meek little girl that I was, maybe I still am her, maybe I never got rid of her. I am spending my weekends now pumping all forms of alcohol into my system to just try to laugh and smile again, I know it' not the answer and I know it's wrong but I don't want to go on those pills again. I want to be normal and be like everyone else, those pills will make that impossible. I can't take the white pill, it wont make me feel alright.
These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women and cheap drinks.
It feels alright.
All these asphyxiated, self medicated,
Take the white pill, you'll feel alright."
Strange. It's been nearly a month since I wrote on this. A lot has happened, significant stuff, but stuff I just don't want to face or want to talk about. I guess I'm just trying to bury my head in the sand and escape my troubles. I'm trying to run away because I'm falling apart. Anything is better than this.
I was listening to the song I took that quote from today, one of my favourite songs yet I never particularly focused on the lyrics til lately. We are a strange society that are influenced by so many things except the ones that really matter. Look at us, we smoke to stay thin or to de-stress. Fast cars and fast women are all for the thrill and to get our adrenaline pumping and as for the cheap drinks, so we can get out of our mind drunk and forget that we even exist...
I've been worrying about myself lately. That sounds selfish I know but there's just so much going on with so many people that I'm starting to lose control, again. Everything's spiralling out of control and I just am trying to cling onto what was my life and my love but it's all gone, or going. I wonder about whether I'll go back to that meek little girl that I was, maybe I still am her, maybe I never got rid of her. I am spending my weekends now pumping all forms of alcohol into my system to just try to laugh and smile again, I know it' not the answer and I know it's wrong but I don't want to go on those pills again. I want to be normal and be like everyone else, those pills will make that impossible. I can't take the white pill, it wont make me feel alright.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
15.3.10
The birds are singing outside as it's 10 to 3 in the morning, despite the timeline on this post. I hate this time. I hate when I can hear the birds singing in the morning coz it means I'm up far too late and it will be a long time before I get to sleep.
Actually, I've come to the conclusion that I hate nigh time. I hate it so much lately because it's the time when I feel so lonesome and the time that I have to think about things, things I really don't want to think about. I hate the night, nothing is so unreassuring.
If you knew what really went on my head, you would be very scared. You wouldn't know what to do. How do I know that? Because, I, myself have no clue what to do. I've no idea how to help myself, so how can anyone else really help me?
I read your stuff, so thoughtful and emotional. You provoke my thoughts, make me think like I used to, make me look at the bigger, underlying picture. You inspire me. Maybe, just maybe, some day, i can be like you.
Actually, I've come to the conclusion that I hate nigh time. I hate it so much lately because it's the time when I feel so lonesome and the time that I have to think about things, things I really don't want to think about. I hate the night, nothing is so unreassuring.
If you knew what really went on my head, you would be very scared. You wouldn't know what to do. How do I know that? Because, I, myself have no clue what to do. I've no idea how to help myself, so how can anyone else really help me?
I read your stuff, so thoughtful and emotional. You provoke my thoughts, make me think like I used to, make me look at the bigger, underlying picture. You inspire me. Maybe, just maybe, some day, i can be like you.
Monday, March 8, 2010
8.3.10
God, it's been so long since I've wrote anything and of course I'm going to put it down to being too busy or too tired which is to a certain extent true but in retrospect, I just couldn't face up to the reality of everything that has gone on over the past few weeks.
Lots of things have changed. Everything with him was the same of always really, just fight after fight and more tears. He got onto me about anything and everything, even my weight and now i have a slight complex. The thing is though this weekend, intervarsity weekend we had the most wonderful time. He stayed with me and minded me and paid for everything. He held me close when we had time to ourselves, he kissed me tenderly and told me things, sweet things that he hasn't said in a very long time. We had one little tiff on the Sunday but it was just because we were both so tired and grumpy after the long weekend we had endured. We both said sorry and strangely enough he admitted he was wrong, that never happens. It felt like it used to be and I wonder now whether he has changed or not and then I also wonder if things did actually start to look up 4 us, would i be able to forget all the horrible things he's said to me in the past and just move on? I really don't know if I'm able to do that. I always say that there's no point in holding a grudge. I can forgive, but I can never forget. Maybe that's what will tear us down if we do happen to get on track.
I'm also very mixed up about a situation with another friend of mine. A friend I hold very dear and who I care about so much but haven't had much time to spend with him because of his psycho girlfriend. She hated me, even though she never met me and just wouldn't let him near me. They broke up recently and things happened with us, nothing major, nut they happened all the same. Then he proposed something to me on Saturday that took me aback. A 'no strings attached' situation. I've pondered the past couple of days about whether he was serious or not and if he was a I letting myself in for a world of hurt? This is a guy I have liked for quite some time, he says he likes me too but I can't help but wonder am I a rebound? He says I'm not but I really can't be sure. It's probably because that's all I think of myself as. I mean I could never be good enough to be anything else. I've a feeling I am going to get myself into a situation where I' going to get messed up very badly. I'm going to crash and burn.
Oh Lauren, think, just think!
Lots of things have changed. Everything with him was the same of always really, just fight after fight and more tears. He got onto me about anything and everything, even my weight and now i have a slight complex. The thing is though this weekend, intervarsity weekend we had the most wonderful time. He stayed with me and minded me and paid for everything. He held me close when we had time to ourselves, he kissed me tenderly and told me things, sweet things that he hasn't said in a very long time. We had one little tiff on the Sunday but it was just because we were both so tired and grumpy after the long weekend we had endured. We both said sorry and strangely enough he admitted he was wrong, that never happens. It felt like it used to be and I wonder now whether he has changed or not and then I also wonder if things did actually start to look up 4 us, would i be able to forget all the horrible things he's said to me in the past and just move on? I really don't know if I'm able to do that. I always say that there's no point in holding a grudge. I can forgive, but I can never forget. Maybe that's what will tear us down if we do happen to get on track.
I'm also very mixed up about a situation with another friend of mine. A friend I hold very dear and who I care about so much but haven't had much time to spend with him because of his psycho girlfriend. She hated me, even though she never met me and just wouldn't let him near me. They broke up recently and things happened with us, nothing major, nut they happened all the same. Then he proposed something to me on Saturday that took me aback. A 'no strings attached' situation. I've pondered the past couple of days about whether he was serious or not and if he was a I letting myself in for a world of hurt? This is a guy I have liked for quite some time, he says he likes me too but I can't help but wonder am I a rebound? He says I'm not but I really can't be sure. It's probably because that's all I think of myself as. I mean I could never be good enough to be anything else. I've a feeling I am going to get myself into a situation where I' going to get messed up very badly. I'm going to crash and burn.
Oh Lauren, think, just think!
Friday, February 19, 2010
20.2.10
Lonliness. It's a horrible feeling.
Talk to me please.
I want it all back, I want everyone back.
Talk to me please.
I want it all back, I want everyone back.
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