19.9.10

It's been awhile, a long, long while. Things have come and gone and I've paid little significance to alot of them and too much significance to more of them. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong, I reckon I am.

I've just been reading back on older posts and realised that somethings I've said in them were wrong, were delusional. I thought I loved him, I thought he made me right but as I look back now I realise just how wrong I was. He held me back and made me weak and it's only now that I realise that. It's only now that I have come to terms with what I became while I was with him, trapped under his thumb, always seeking approval. I have sworn to myself that I will never do such a thing again, I will never be afraid to be who I am or to stand up for myself. If anyone is going to love me then they are going to do it exactly as I am. I will not be controlled, I will not despise myself.

I have started looking really thoroughly at myself over the past few months, trying to figure out who I really am, where I'm going in life, what I wish to achieve. I've drawn to a halt though, I'm not really sure what I will be in years to come or where my life is going because I'm not really sure who I am now or where I'm going in the present. All I know is what I'm not and who I don't want to be and where I don't want to go...I suppose in a way that's something.

There's so much of me that wants to be a kid again. I often wonder if I'm the only one who thinks like that. I just want it to be easy...