12.4.10

"Kill the lights.
These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women and cheap drinks.
It feels alright.
All these asphyxiated, self medicated,
Take the white pill, you'll feel alright."

Strange. It's been nearly a month since I wrote on this. A lot has happened, significant stuff, but stuff I just don't want to face or want to talk about. I guess I'm just trying to bury my head in the sand and escape my troubles. I'm trying to run away because I'm falling apart. Anything is better than this.

I was listening to the song I took that quote from today, one of my favourite songs yet I never particularly focused on the lyrics til lately. We are a strange society that are influenced by so many things except the ones that really matter. Look at us, we smoke to stay thin or to de-stress. Fast cars and fast women are all for the thrill and to get our adrenaline pumping and as for the cheap drinks, so we can get out of our mind drunk and forget that we even exist...

I've been worrying about myself lately. That sounds selfish I know but there's just so much going on with so many people that I'm starting to lose control, again. Everything's spiralling out of control and I just am trying to cling onto what was my life and my love but it's all gone, or going. I wonder about whether I'll go back to that meek little girl that I was, maybe I still am her, maybe I never got rid of her. I am spending my weekends now pumping all forms of alcohol into my system to just try to laugh and smile again, I know it' not the answer and I know it's wrong but I don't want to go on those pills again. I want to be normal and be like everyone else, those pills will make that impossible. I can't take the white pill, it wont make me feel alright.